So you wanna be a musician but can't write music? You wanna be a singer but simply can't sing? You wanna be in a band but you are, in fact, rubbish. That's where Videojug comes in. We've got music agent extraordinaire Champ Rocket to show you how to realise your dream and start your own boyband!
Step 1: Choose Your Members
There's one rule and one rule only. Looks are everything. Take a look at your friends. That spotty one – no girl's gonna want to lick his poster. The fat one? If you can't touch your toes then you can't touch the stardom. Make sure you pick the best 4 or 5 lads and you're onto a winner.
Find your lead guy. Yeah I know you're a “band”, but the fact is that you're gonna need one lad to focus all the attention on, the one who can actually sing, who can actually dance, and who doesn't need to be airbrushed on the album cover.
Take a look at your remaining camera-friendly mates and see which best fit the bill. We've got the older tough guy, the sensitive guy and the babyface. I can hear the girls screaming already…
Step 2: Choose A Name
So you've jettisoned your ugly, larger friends and have been left with a four-pronged trident of good looks. Now you need a name, a hook, something that'll be on the lips of every teeny-bopper in the country, so to speak. Use clever wordplay, numbers instead of words – anything to make you stand apart from all these crappy “proper” bands we keep hearing about.
Step 3: Get A Style
After looks, the other rule to remember is ATM, Aim To Match. Matching colour schemes will highlight your generic brilliance even more. Try white suits and black shirts. Now give the tough guy a vest,
give the girly sensitive one a tie and give the talented guy a hat! There you go, a look that screams bedroom-wall fodder!
Step 4: Find A Song
Hire in your ugly yet musically-gifted mate and get him to write the music for you. You can get him to sign something to claim it's yours later. A catchy pop tune, a soppy ballad or a watered-down dance track, something that's easy to remember and won't offend the mums.
And that lack of talent you guys seem so concerned about? That's what the recording studio is for! If tough guy sounds like a strangled cat just flick one switch and he sounds like Barry Manilow covered in butter. Use the volume control to make the talented one louder than the rest and hey-presto – a guaranteed top ten smash. You're ready to take on the world!
Step 5: The Performance
Forget about elaborate dance routines. That's what these backing dancers are for. Instead you're going to sit on these 4 stools and sing. Think it's boring? Wait until the key change! When it hits, stand up and walk slowly towards the crowd. Throw in a few basic moves - clutch your heart during the love song and wave your arms in unison for the dance track – and you have your basic stage routine!
Step 6: The Future
So what does the future hold for the band? There's the platinum records, the wads of cash, and the constant stream of willing groupies, and boy are they willing! But there's also the tabloid gossip, the alcoholism, and the band's inevitable messy public split. Talented guy can go solo, whilst the rest of you need to do enough to keep your names in the papers and wait for the money-guzzling reunion where you'll play to all those ageing groupies who really should know better!