1. Can I have a volunteer? – Don’t even think about putting your hand up again, Jenny. The class is just as sick of you as I am.
2. You have so much potential. – You’re lazy, you need to try harder and you’re completely failing everything.
3. You need to aim higher. – Than the career at McDonald’s you’re headed for at the moment.
4. You really need to get your act together. – I’d be willing to bet a year’s wages you’ll be in prison before you hit 20.
5. This MAY be on the test. – I’m doing you a massive favour by telling you this IS on the test because you’re all idiots.
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6. That joke is inappropriate for the classroom. – Hahahaha, nice one.
7. That’s not funny. – I’m doing everything in my power to stop myself from laughing right now.
8. See me after class. – I’m so angry with you right now I can’t even begin to express it.
9. See me after class. – I’m going to verbally destroy you after class.
10. See me after class. – God, how I wish I was teaching 100 years ago and the cane was still a viable option.
11. Settle down, class. – Shut up.
12. Can we have some quiet, please? – Why won’t you just shut up?
13. Right, everyone be quiet! – I am just seconds away from a horrendous mental breakdown that will involve chairs being thrown across the room if you don’t SHUT UP RIGHT NOW.
14. You’re ruining it for everyone. – You’re ruining it for me.
15. You’ve let me down, and you’ve let yourself down. – But mainly you’ve let me down, and it’s going to reflect badly on my teaching ability. I don’t really care about you.
16. Tim, you shouldn’t have hit Jack. It’s never okay to hit people. – Tim, well done for hitting Jack. The only thing I’m disappointed about is that you didn’t do it sooner. Or harder.
17. We’re going to have a bit of fun today, class. – We’re going to spend 5 minutes doing an experiment and then 55 minutes doing exercises from the text book today, class.
18. We’re going to do something a bit different today, class. – Today I’m too hungover to teach, so I’ll be putting on a video for the full hour.
19. Seeing as it’s the end of term, I thought we’d do something special. – Seeing as it’s the end of term, I’m going to stick on Shrek or something.
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20. Why are you late? – Why did you even
bother turning up?
21. Can you explain why you keep arriving late to my class late? – Please just stop coming altogether. That would be best for both of us.
22. Why were you off sick yesterday? – Why did you get better?
23. I was impressed with the progress you demonstrated in your last assignment. – Your standard of work is normally awful, and your last assignment was a tiny bit less awful.
24. It’s your own time you’re wasting. – But it’s also my precious cigarette and coffee time, and if I don’t get that this afternoon is going to be hell for all of us.
25. I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed. – I’m not angry. Or disappointed. Years of teaching have left me dead inside.
26. When I was your age. – I was probably just as bad as you, but I’m going to choose to ignore that.
27. You’ll thank me one day. – There’s a 99% chance you’ll forget my name and face forever within months of leaving the school.
28. Why? Because I said so. – I have no idea what the point of this assignment is. It certainly won’t help you at all in real life.
29. How many times do I have to tell you? – You really are a bit simple, aren’t you?
30. If it’s that funny, you can get up and tell the whole class! – I really hope you don’t get up and tell the whole class.
31. That better not be gum you’re chewing. – Why do we have that rule about gum again?
32. This isn’t official uniform, is it? – Why do we have all these rules about uniform again?
33. Where’s your homework? – I really hope you’ve forgotten it so I have less marking to do.
34. I’ve already said ‘no’. – Don’t test me.
35. What part of ‘no’ don’t you understand? – Are you really as stupid as your test scores suggest?
36. It’s a ‘no’, and that’s final. – Step away from me right now or something bad is going to happen.
37. I think we’re going to have a good day today, class. – I can literally feel my soul being crushed, one day at a time.
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38. Go and see the headmaster. – So you can be someone else’s problem.
39. I’m going to call your parents. – You’re going to be in LOADS of trouble when you get home, haha.
40. Don’t let me catch anyone looking at anyone else’s answers. – And by anyone I mean you, Tom.
41. You’re only cheating yourself. – God I hate you.