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I’m finally getting back to that long list of posts that you all asked me to write .
Today brings you post #7 from the list. I’ve written about this topic before. Read I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You before proceeding, because it sums up nearly everything I have to say about this topic. Then continue on.
The unfortunate truth of the matter is this: you can’t make your spouse do anything. There is no magic formula that will win your spouse’s heart, and anyone who claims to have such a formula is probably a charlatan who wants your money. I will say this, though. Begging and pleading won’t work. Neither will telling your spouse that he or she is making a huge mistake. And being a doormat and trying to be the “perfect spouse” probably won’t work either because it makes you seem weak and unimportant.
Again, there is no magic formula, but the technique that offers you the highest probability of success is this: fall back in love with yourself. It’s a lot easier for someone else to see you as a lovable person once you can see that for yourself. I’m going to be frank. If your spouse has given you the “I’m no longer in love with you” talk, then there’s a high probability that your spouse is going to leave no matter what you do. Prepare yourself for that. If you are dependent on your spouse emotionally or physically, do everything you can to become independent. And go into counseling for yourself. Identify your personal weakness and read about and practice techniques that will help you overcome them. Get a life. Rekindle lost friendships and make new ones. Rediscover that hobby that once loved.
Be you, and be the best and happiest you that you can be.
If that’s not enough to get your spouse to fall back in love with you, then your spouse just doesn’t deserve you. That’s my opinion anyway. What’s yours?
Note: Thanks for the readers who were concerned about my well-being. It was so sweet of you to check up on me! I didn’t post yesterday and I haven’t been actively responding to your emails and comments because I’ve been happily obsessed with a work project. I’m having the best kind of busy there is. I apologize for seeming distant. It’s just temporary. Trust me.
325 comments… add one
mary February 8, 2015, 12:47 pm
I’m confused and hurt and almost hopeless right now. I’ve been with my husband since I was 17. We’ve been married for 14 years and together for 4 before that. We have 1 son who is the light of our lives. Weve had many man ups and downs through the years. Financial and emotionally. He has cheated on me. But felt so much guilt over it that he told me and vowed to never let happen again if we stayed together. So I forgave him … We then had our son. Fast forward 7 years. He recently fell into a depressed stage. Where he feels he’s no good for anyone. myself, our son and other friends and family. He is lashing out at everyone with complete honesty over anything he’s ever felt. He says he’s loves me but doesn’t know if its enough. He says he’s a big flirt and always has been. He also says he bad when in comes to temptation. He feels like he could cheat again. He also is question who he is as a person and our entire marriage. He is currently sleeping in the basement. He will give me hugs but no kisses. He is trying to disconnect. I feel hopeless. I believe in my vows and love him with all that I have. I feel we can work on this but we both have to be committed. He feels like maybe he
should have never got married. He feels trapped by the marriage. We are stuck living together for the next 4 months because of our lease and also he has no place to. We both have started counseling separately. I hope this will help us both with some of our issues in the marriage and as individuals. But in the meantime I feel so lost. I have to walk around like everything is normal because of our son. I feel like my heart is being ripped apart. Any advice. In my heart divorce is not a. option
alma April 9, 2015, 3:55 pm
Im.in the same and it’s hard because I have 4 boys and been with my husband for 8 years I’m lost and dint know what to do.
Whoopie Pie May 3, 2015, 6:28 am
You’ll say divorce is not an option until you walk that ass up into an attorney’s office, sweetheart. This marriage will keep deteriorating because he doesn’t want it anymore. You can’t be in love all by yourself. Leave him- he’s already left you.
Also, don’t walk around all chipper and give him the idea that he can come back whenever he pleases. Kick him out, honey. Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn… Don’t let him think he has the option of playing with you like a teenage girl. You are a grown woman with a child. You demand more respect from the people you deal with in daily life than your own damn husband?
Honestly, I’m mad at this jerk for just *informing* you that he doesn’t want you anymore. That’s so callous, even if he said it in a roundabout way: “a big flirt.” That’s how he’s telling you he is either screwing some dumb bunny or really wants to.
Tell him that he needs to leave for 5 reasons:
1. He sat you down and ended it, so it’s over
2. Your child lives there, and his routine mustn’t be disturbed (and you damn sure aren’t leaving)
3. It makes you uncomfortable in your own home to live like strangers and have to figure out how to act
4. You are unable to move on with your life with him there
5. Weekly rates at an extended stay suite hotel are reasonable, so it’s not like he’ll be living under a porch like an alley cat (he should’ve thought about where the hell he was going to live when he told you he felt trapped :-))
Your child will be okay. Kids get used to two Christmases. You need to be okay so that you can have the better Christmas of the two.
Stay calm and don’t allow yourself to be manipulated.
Joni July 31, 2015, 10:44 pm
I agree with whoopie pie. Don’t let him think he has so much control. I use to be in the same situation and I sat there and followed him around like a lost puppy dog. Until I got some dam worth and self esteem. No one deserves to be treated that way. No one. We teach ppl how to treat us and what ur teaching him is that he can cheat and treat u bad and act like a dumbass and that you’ll still take him back and work on things. No. Do not allow someone to treat u like that. There are a million men out there that would have more respect for u than that. What u wrote as u can tell hit home for me because I’ve been there. And him saying he doesn’t feel like he’s good enough is to try to make u feel guilty. It’s emotional abuse and his dumbass should be ashamed of himself. What a disgusting excuse for a man he is. U deserve better!!
Watch fireproof the movie and get spiritual awakening yall need prayer for yall but also yall need it together all you need is a muster seed of faith and I think your already there now turn it around watch and witnesses to come