What To Do When You Can't Get It Up
We both freaked and ever since then, I haven't been able to get hard.
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When Playful Sex Goes Awry
Dear Doc Chaves,
I had a weird thing happen to me and I’m not sure what to think about it. My girlfriend and me were hiking and she wanted to go down on me to be playful. We picked a spot that was pretty secluded and she started to blow me. Well, two other hikers came out of nowhere and walked near us. We both freaked and ever since then, I haven’t been able to get hard. Not even when we’re alone. I’m totally traumatized and don’t want to talk about the hike or the erections with my girl. This is getting ridiculous to not get hard. It’s been almost two weeks without having sex. I’m getting freaked.
- Mike, CT
Well, you win the award for best hiking adventure. I hope you realize how lucky you are to have an open-minded partner with and adventurous relationship. It seems pretty obvious your erection issues are related to the shock of getting caught with your pants down. I know it’s a tough thing to forget, but you’re going to have to learn to let go of the anxiety. One of the best ways to begin the process of letting it go is to talk about it. Some men aren’t socialized to talk things out, but it’s been proven to have amazing benefits to health, anxiety and mental well-being.
You’re penis is trying to tell you something. It’s telling you that you’re holding on to way too much shame and anxiety and he’s on strike until you let go of some of that mental baggage. Try talking about the hike with your partner. Express your feelings, talk about how it affected you and share with her the impact it has on you. Also, let her know that your erection difficulties aren’t
about her, but connected to the hiking experience.
The dialogue should take off and hopefully you will have a supportive, healing conversation. Next, forget about sex for a while. Yes, exactly the opposite of your goal, but hear me out first. You’re putting too much pressure on your penis and it’s creating a negative cycle of unsuccessful attempts at erection. Try a different approach until you feel more comfortable and your penis is ready. Let your partner know you would like to not have intercourse but want to focus on non-intercourse activities like being nude together, foreplay, kissing, massage, cunnilingus, and being present with your partner in the sexual moment.
Sometimes a bit of time off from the expectations of intercourse plus the healing power of talking and communication may do the trick. Also, try masturbating alone in the meantime. My guess is you’ll feel most comfortable and the least amount of anxiety during a solo session. See if erection and self-pleasure is possible. If it is, gradually, but not forcefully, get comfortable and bring that erection back into your partnership with slow pacing. Who knows, your erection may just pop up unexpectedly during these outercourse sessions (non-intercourse behaviors). If things persist, it could be helpful to seek out a sex therapist for added support. So your homework assignment is talk, outercourse and masturbation. Don’t you wish school assignments were always like this?
Why Would She Want To Get Freaky?
While dating this girl, I’m getting to know her sexual side and it’s way beyond freaky. Some of the things she mentions are a little outside my zone and she hints at other things way past my comfort zone. One thing she mentioned when we were a little drunk is that she wanted to sit on my face and me. I’m not so sure about this, especially with the dirtiness of the backdoor. My question is, why would she want to do this?
Find out what Doc Chaves thinks, next.