5 Scientifically-Backed Shyness Tips And Little-Known Psychological Techniques That Will Make You More Social and Confident
In This Article…
- 2 Big Reasons Why You’re Still Shy. Discover why your shyness is not your fault, and how the people you trusted gave you bad advice.
- “Weird”Conversation Tips. Learn a simple technique for always knowing what to say next. Also, 2 conversation KILLERS you absolutely must avoid.
- How To Change Your Personality. Everyone tells you to “be yourself”. I’ll show you how to CHANGE yourself instead. This is the secret to making people like you.
That guy used to be the quietest guy ever. The most shy person you would ever meet.
I know, because that’s a photo of me.
- I used to be the guy who barely talked around people I didn’t know well. I had a hard time keeping a conversation going or thinking of what to say.
- I was often nervous and anxious. Especially talking on the phone or in front of groups of people. I DREADED public speaking.
- I had never had a girlfriend before. In fact, I was still a virgin at 20 years old despite being a decent-looking guy.
- I didn’t have a solid group of friends. Although I was comfortable being by myself, I really wished I could have a few friends. Sometimes I got so bored when I was lonely. I didn’t understand why people didn’t seem to like me all that much.
- I was also insecure about the way I looked. This DEFINITELY didn’t help my confidence.
If you can relate to what I’m saying so far, then I’ve got good news.
On this page I’ll share with you some little-known techniques and ideas you can use to overcome your shyness. Including a simple technique that will let you always know what to say next in conversations.
But before I get to that, the question you may be asking is…
“Who Are You, And How Did You Overcome Your Shyness?”
My name is Sean Cooper. Every month thousands of people come to my website to learn how to overcome shyness or social anxiety. I’m considered an expert in the area. But it wasn’t always like this.
Growing up, I was invisible. In fact, I tried to MAKE myself invisible. Never raising my hand in class, talking quietly, keeping to myself during lunch, not doing much outside the house, not making friends, and so on.
This was me all throughout elementary school and high school. Sometimes I feel like I wasted those years when I could have made some lifelong friends and created some memories.
After that I moved out of my parent’s house to go to university.
I was going to a university in Ottawa (that’s the capital city of Canada). Starting the year, I had high hopes. I thought that maybe I would be able to “start fresh”. Maybe if I got away from the people I knew in high school I could let go of my old shyness. Maybe I could make some friends and … who knows … even get a nice girlfriend.
But my hopes were soon shattered.
Although I had moved to a new place … I realized something horrible. I was still me. I had carried “my old self” with me to the new city.
My old insecurities and fears came rushing back as soon as I moved into my room. I was living in a big house with eight roommates and… guess what?
I Spent Most Of My Time Trying To Avoid All Of Them!
Whenever I had to eat, I tried to make sure no one was in the kitchen. I tiptoed around so people wouldn’t hear me going to my room. On the weekends, I shut myself in my room and prayed nobody would decide to invite friends over.
My extreme shyness was making me isolated from friends… from a girlfriend… from having a life that was actually interesting. And even though I was living in a house with several people, I was starting to feel like a crazy hermit. A complete loner.
One day I overheard a couple of my roommates talking about me.
[quote style=”boxed”]”Did you see Sean this week?”[/quote] [quote style=”boxed”]”No, I barely ever see him at all. What do you think he does all day?”[/quote] [quote style=”boxed”]”Who knows? Maybe he’s sitting in his room watching porn. He’s a pretty weird guy.”[/quote]
I felt like I wanted to crawl into a hole.
I won’t bore you with the details, but it was around that time I decided to try something desperate.
I decided to spend several months going through every psychology book that was even a little bit related to shyness. I read scientific studies, I read the bestselling “Conversation Tips” books at the bookstore, I listened to audio programs and video seminars on confidence.
I Became Obsessed With Finding A Solution To End My Shyness!
And what I discovered is that there really is no one single solution out there.
But… there were one or two useful tips or techniques I could learn from each book or product I went through. And when I combined them all I started to see myself making amazing progress.
Of course, change didn’t happen overnight. Anyone who tells you it does is probably a scam artist.
It took me a few weeks to figure out what worked and really make any progress… A few months later people were starting to comment about how “different” I was. One of my classmates even started calling me “New Sean”.
Now, a couple years later I have a group of friends, a social life, and a girlfriend – something I thought would never happen!
I’m not some super-confident guy. You’re not about to see me singing on stage at a rock concert. (I don’t think that’s the type of confidence you’re looking for either.)
Instead, I’m still a regular guy, but with above average social skills.
What does that mean exactly?
- Imagine being able to talk to anyone effortlessly. Never worrying about what to say next or whether you’re going to create an awkward silence.
- Imagine being able to walk into a room of strangers and confidently introduce yourself to anyone and make a good first impression.
- Imagine being able to walk over to someone you find attractive and strike up a conversation… get their number… and go on a date later in the week. (Yes, I’ve done this plenty of times.)
- Imagine being able to “fit in” at any party or group conversation instead of standing off to the side. Or worse, avoiding groups altogether because you’ll be too quiet, boring or uninteresting.
And the list could go on.
But this post isn’t meant for me to brag about what I can do. It’s about giving you some useful information. So you can start experiencing the same results.
I’ll start off with…
2 Big Reasons Why You’re Still Shy
1. Nobody Ever Gave You Specific, Actionable Steps To Overcome Your Shyness
The first reason why you’re still shy is because of bad advice.
When I was shy, the only advice I heard was:
- “Just talk!”
- “Just be social!”
- “Just pretend to be confident!”
- “Fake it ’til you make it!”
The problem is, advice for overcoming shyness is 99% garbage.
It’s usually given by people who have never had the problem themselves.
Your parents, friends, or teachers simply don’t understand it. That’s why they tell you the types of useless phrases I listed above.
Even the published books and articles on shyness usually suck. They’re usually written by psychologists who know a lot about the causes of shyness, but don’t know how to overcome it. Or they’re written by people looking to make some quick cash.
Most books just tell you to “focus on other people” or stand up straighter. Rarely do they give any concrete techniques or steps that make a difference in the real world.
This is why I decided to make this website. I wanted to share the tips and techniques for overcoming shyness that I had proven to be effective. The difference is that I’m speaking from personal experience. I think that “shines through” in most of the articles I write here.
The second reason why you’re still shy is because…
2. You Believe Shyness Is A Part Of Your Personality
When you were young, someone may have told you, “You’re shy” or “You’re quiet.” This assumes that shyness is a part of your personality or identity. That It’s something you were born with or have developed over time to become a part of you, like your hair or feet.
But the truth is, shyness is not a part of your personality.
Think about it: Are you shy all the time? Are you equally shy when you’re talking to someone new as when you’re talking to your closest friend? How about when talking to a group of people versus just one person?
No, you aren’t. So what does this mean?
TRUTH: Shyness Is A Learned Behavior
Shyness is a learned behavior. It’s a set of mental and physical behaviors you’ve learned to use to react to certain situations. The amount and the type of reaction you feel depends on the situation.
The important thing to understand is that nobody has shyness or anxiety in every area, it always relates to specific situations. Here’s a few more examples:
- You may not be able to make conversation with strangers easily, but there’s probably one or two people in your life who you can talk to effortlessly.
- You may not be able to make a speech in front of many people without sweating and shaking, but you can talk to one person comfortably.
- You may not be able to make eye contact with someone you are intimidated by (like an authority figure) or someone you are attracted to, but with other people it’s much easier.
- You may be quiet and hard-to-hear when there’s lots of people listening, but when you’re in a private room you can speak as loud as you want.
So stop assuming shyness is a part of your personality and turning it into an unchangeable identity. Don’t say: “That’s the way I am.” Say: “In this situation…”
Shyness is a set of thoughts and behaviors you have learned to use in certain social situations. This also means you can unlearn these thoughts and behaviors and replace them with new ones. I’ll explain how a little later on this page.
First I need to teach you something pretty cool…
Conversation Threading Explained
A Simple Technique For Always Knowing What To Say Next In Conversations
Do you ever have a hard time keeping a conversation going? Does it ever feel like you run out of things to say? Do you hate awkward silences?
What if I told you that the next time you talk to someone, you could talk more easily and effortlessly than ever before, just by applying one simple (but little-known) conversation technique?
You don’t have to take my word for it, just click play to watch this video.
The Technique In The Video Explained:
This little-known conversation technique is called ‘Conversation Threading’. For years I have been using this technique to make shy and socially anxious people become instantly better at making conversation. once they get the hang of it.
So how does conversation threading work? There are 3 basic steps:
STEP 1: The other person says something.
STEP 2: You notice the threads. Sounds tough, but it’s really easy. Let me explain…
Threads are basically topics or “subject words” inside a sentence. Every sentence has a few of these threads in it.
For example, take the sentence, “I saw Bob at the mall last Saturday.” The threads, or topics, could be Bob, mall and last Saturday.
All threading is, is noticing these topics and then saying something about them, which is…
STEP 3: Pick a thread and respond. So for the last sentence you simply pick one of the topics mentioned and say something about it.
So let’s respond to the threads in the last example:
- Bob – I tried out for the football team with Bob last year. He made quarterback and crushed all the new guys.
- Mall – Have you been to the mall lately? I can?t believe they?re closing down the movie theatre to build a new clothing store!
- Last Saturday – Last Saturday I went camping for a family reunion. I never want to share a tent with my brother again.?
The cool thing is, all of these replies will make the conversation flow smoothly because they relate to what the other person said before you.
Best of all, this simple technique is amazing at eliminating awkward pauses once and for all!
Easy as pie
Remember to TEST this technique out in the real world.
I may take you a few tries to get the hang of it. But once you do, you’ll find that making conversation has become several times easier!
Since you’ve taken the time to read this far down the page, I’ll also share with you two more tips…
Avoid These 2 Conversation Killers !
1. Avoid Giving One Word Responses
One of the easiest ways to kill a conversation is to not contribute any new threads.
If you only give a one-word reply to someone, then you’re making it hard for them to continue talking. If you are asked something that can only be answered in a one word reply, make sure to follow up with a question / statement.
- Them – Are you still going to college?
- You – No
End of conversation because you didn’t add anything here.
- Them – Are you still going to college?
- You – No. I decided to take a break for a year to travel and get some work experience at XYZ Company.
You added something to the conversation and bam! You have something new to talk about. Like “Where did you travel?” or “I know Jim who works at that company”.
2. Avoid Asking Yes/No Questions
Try to avoid asking questions that can be answered with a simple yes/no.
The worst thing you can do is ask several of these questions in a row. It’ll feel like you are interrogating the other person.
It’s much easier for the other person to contribute if you keep your questions open-ended .
- You – What do you think of this musician?
- Them – He’s not my favorite, but I don’t mind him because he sounds like Bob Dylan.
If you thought these tips were useful, then sign up for my FREE email course on overcoming shyness by filling out the form below.