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Advice on How to Talk to a Girl on the Phone
Hi. My girlfriend and I have been together for more than a month. Recently, there was this guy, her ex-classmate, who would call her up and chat on the phone with her roughly every night. After that, she would start saying how chatty and nice this guy is, and how he would bother to do things such as sing songs and entertain her. After hearing that, I started to feel jealous and why I'm always being compared to others. Usually when I talk to my girlfriend privately on the phone, we would always have a lack of topics and subjects to talk about. Then, I would feel pressured as to why I cannot think of any nice topic where both of us can happily chat about, while that guy can. After the phone call, I expressed my feelings on Friendster, indicating how pressured I felt and my emotions at that point of time. The following day, she came across it and started to reply to me via text-messaging and MSN, in short 'Nos' and 'Yes'. I asked her whether she was angry at me but she just said she was ok. Earlier that morning, we had some problems regarding the phone call but it was resolved not long after.
Please tell me what I should do as I still love her and will not give up so easily.
-- Contributed by: confusedfrenzy
Many females believe that the way to connection with a guy they are dating is to share information though talking. This is why when there is a lull in the conversation she asks, "What are you thinking about?" If you say nothing, she believes you are hiding something. For the guy who is good at talking, this way of connecting in order to build a deep and meaningful relationship is no problem. But, for the guy that finds talking about his thoughts and feelings difficult, this approach to building a deep and meaningful relationship can be a real nightmare!
It sounds to me that your girlfriend told you about the conversations she was having with the ex-classmate as a way of indirectly telling you she wished the two of you could have conversations like she was having with this other guy. Knowing that this is not your style, she may have been asking you to stretch yourself and try to express yourself more verbally. I'm going to guess that she did not expect your
jealousy to lead you to vent your frustrations for everyone to read about on Friendster. Clearly you don't have trouble talking; you seem to be more comfortable expressing yourself in writing verses talking. That being said, choosing to express your emotions on a website for your girlfriend and others to read, not only embarrassed her, but added another problem to your relationship.
If you love your girlfriend like you say you do, then I suggest you try putting yourself in her shoes. It must have been humiliating to read your boyfriend's thoughts about you and the relationship on the Internet for others to read as well. Likewise it must have been frustrating for her to have you talk to an online community rather than her. Nowhere in your question did I read that you apologized for your behavior. That is the first suggestion I would make. You need to apologize in person and not on the Internet. Follow up your apology by talking with her about your difficulty coming up with fun and unique conversations and your willing to try a couple of new ideas.
Having a conversation on the phone is not as hard as you might think. You can start by asking about her day; what she did, who she did things with, etc. As she expresses her thoughts, ask follow up questions that demonstrate you are listening. For example, if she tells you a story about one of her friends, ask how she felt about the situation or what's she going to do? Then, follow up your questions with your thoughts, ideas or suggestions. Next, share something on topic which happened to you that day. You can follow up your sharing, by asking her what she thinks.
If you find that talking about what is going on in each others lives difficult, try these tips:
- Be her last call of the day. "Tuck" her in by reading. Select a poem or a book written by an author either she or you enjoy, and each night read her a few pages.
- Come up with "no one ever asked me that before!" type questions. There are games based on asking questions, which you can find online or at a store with a toy department or invent your own questions.
- Play games on the phone. Hangman, I Spy or other childhood favorites are a way to broaden your conversation skills.
One final thought. Since you find writing an easier way of expressing yourself, use that skill to your advantage and write her romantic letters. Imagine her surprise when she reads your romantic thoughts expressed via an email, letter or posting on the Internet.