September 3, 2009 | Lists
“Even in a hero’s heart, Discretion is the better part ”
Have you ever found yourself in a bar or a street fight, with no recourse but to back down, notify a proper authority and basically defer to the candy-ass sentiments expressed above? Well, you’ve come to the right place as these 20 simple fighting techniques can easily replace some of your martial arts belts that could double as a cincture around an opponent’s neck if you followed the proper instructions from the video
[Editors’ note: we are currently working on an instructional video ourselves, Make Passive Aggression Active. wherein we offer a series of tips for how best household implements, fashion accessories and other everyday objects can be deployed to incapacitate an assailant].
Hot on the heels of our Elevator Rules (nobody should throw down in these confined spaces) we bring you these simple techniques, which, if followed correctly, could mean avoiding the kind of beat-down that might not be covered by your HMO.
1. Do not fistfight in flip flops.
2. The bigger they are, the slower they run. A pretty good rule of thumb (speaking of rules, remember, thumbs and eye sockets do not mix), this is especially true if running downhill. Also, you can elude some of your burlier assailants by running diagonally (This might also be true for bears—see Stephen Colbert ‘s thoughts on those “soulless, godless, rampaging killing machines”)
3. Strike first, ask questions later. Actually, best not to ask questions at all as this arouses suspicion. It depends who is asked what and in what tone of voice. It’s also possible, though potentially confusing, to subtly pose questions but not using the syntactic form of a question.
4. It’s best to attempt mediation first unless your attacker has all the bonhomie of a guy who renews drivers’ licenses. If this is the case, see 3 above.
5. Foreign objects are acceptable. however if you break a beer bottle on the bar, make sure nobody is nursing a pint in the immediate, flying shard vicinity.
6. Never slap another man when you can punch him instead.
7. If you violate the above, never turn your back on your adversary (of course, this is only true if you’re not adhering to rule number 2. If this is the case, bolt before any face
reddening occurs—your opponent’s or your own as it’s embarrassing for one man to slap another)
8. Never throw punches in a fitted shirt unless it’s an uppercut or short cross, as there is less likelihood of the kind of tearing seen with a haymaker.
9. On a related note, use uppercuts sparingly as nobody throws uppercuts in a street fight, unless they’re paying special attention to the above.
10. Never showcase martial arts. especially ones that involve kicking, as kicks will invariably miss and draw laughs from the assembled. If drawing laughs is motivation, employ a slap, which, depending on how much alcohol has been consumed, will mean less likelihood of hitting the floor before actual contact with the opponent
11. If a set of keys are handy, get them out as it’s easier to run to your getaway vehicle. On a related note, these can also be jabbed into an opponent’s eye, groin or midsection, provided they’re house keys (car keys are made of less dense material and if these are compromised by an opponent’s eye, groin or midsection it will mean a long walk home)
12. A gentleman removes his hat first (this does not apply to ball caps as gentlemen don’t wear these). Caveat: Fedora-wearers should have their asses kicked on principle.
13. Make a good show about wanting to break free of interceders. even if your face feels like the floor after Riverdance and you want no more part of the action.
15. Never hit someone who is down. unless there is a pretty compelling reason for doing so.
16. Never fight in a suit. If attired thusly, remove the blazer portion first, carefully folded or hung over the nearest chair. Fold sleeves over the breast pocket, and flip the bottom of the blazer over the front, to form a rectangle, time permitting.
17. Never fight a bouncer . unless of course, you really want to, have already paid the cover charge and cannot get it refunded
18. Certainly never fight with a cop . unless you’ve already went ahead and done #17.
19. If contact is made with your mug, do not check for blood. assume spouting like a hemophiliac (if only a glancing blow is incurred, NEVER check for blood).
20. Never throw a mixed drink in anyone’s face —it’s more sporting out of respect for your opponent, to make sure it’s straight up.